Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, March 08, 2006


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: Getting really high at 10AM was really cool when you were in college. Now that you're Pope, it's maybe time you cut back a bit.

Taurus: Yes, your "I'm with stupid" tattoo is hilarious. We get it. Now put your underwear back on.

You've always identified with Linus from Peanuts. You see yourself as the lone intellectual in the crowd, who is constantly misunderstood. Actually, you're a lot more like Shermy, the bland character who Charles Schulz realized was extraneous and jettisoned after a few years.

Cancer: There's bad breath and then there's breath that could actually be classified as a bioweapon. Yours is kind of edging into the latter category.

Leo: Those few remaining bags of Valentine chocolate that are still sitting in your drug store's discount bin are now no longer a bargain when you factor in the hospital bills you're going to rack up if you eat that shit.

Virgo: As the old Chinese proverb states, "Public masturbation is really not a good idea."

Libra: The phrase "use it or lose it" gains new meaning for you this week when you discover that your genitalia has actually disappeared.

Scorpio: A gown that looks great on Michelle Williams when she's walking the red carpet just might not look as nice on a 54-year-old man when he's walking through Red Lobster.

Looking for a hilarious joke to pull? Try burning down a bunch of churches!

Capricorn: You're no longer watching The Ghost Whisperer ironically. You actually really dig it.

Aquarius: You make medical history this week as the first identified case of Dog Hair Lung. Maybe you could try brushing him occasionally?

Pisces: An argument with a co-worker devolves into a pissing match. Literally.

Ha! My official reason for watching The Ghostwhisper is my appreciation for the beehive.
Nicely done, as usual, Joe.
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