Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Aries: Getting really high at 10AM was really cool when you were in college. Now that you're Pope, it's maybe time you cut back a bit.
Taurus: Yes, your "I'm with stupid" tattoo is hilarious. We get it. Now put your underwear back on.
Gemini: You've always identified with Linus from Peanuts. You see yourself as the lone intellectual in the crowd, who is constantly misunderstood. Actually, you're a lot more like Shermy, the bland character who Charles Schulz realized was extraneous and jettisoned after a few years.
Cancer: There's bad breath and then there's breath that could actually be classified as a bioweapon. Yours is kind of edging into the latter category.
Leo: Those few remaining bags of Valentine chocolate that are still sitting in your drug store's discount bin are now no longer a bargain when you factor in the hospital bills you're going to rack up if you eat that shit.
Virgo: As the old Chinese proverb states, "Public masturbation is really not a good idea."
Libra: The phrase "use it or lose it" gains new meaning for you this week when you discover that your genitalia has actually disappeared.
Scorpio: A gown that looks great on Michelle Williams when she's walking the red carpet just might not look as nice on a 54-year-old man when he's walking through Red Lobster.
Sagittarius: Looking for a hilarious joke to pull? Try burning down a bunch of churches!
Capricorn: You're no longer watching The Ghost Whisperer ironically. You actually really dig it.
Aquarius: You make medical history this week as the first identified case of Dog Hair Lung. Maybe you could try brushing him occasionally?
Pisces: An argument with a co-worker devolves into a pissing match. Literally.