Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, March 15, 2006


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: Looking to score with a gal on the first date? Try telling her how much you "like [her] boobies." Works every time.

Taurus: Yes, The Sopranos is back on, but that doesn't mean we need to start seeing your Uncle Junior impression again.

This week, your heart starts to beat faster at the thought of a new love. Oh, wait, no. Actually, that's just a heart murmur.

Cancer: For the record, "No Fat Chicks" is not a philosophy.

Leo: A book is an appropriate gift for your new boyfriend. A drawing of all of his ex-girlfriends being eaten by wild animals is not.

Virgo: Roses are red. Violets are blue. You may have contracted herpes from that guy you banged last month in Vegas. I just thought that was a prettier way to break the news.

Libra: You are not the only person to be deeply saddened by the news that Mike Wallace is retiring from 60 Minutes. You may, however, be the only one who's carving his name in their chest with a broken Cuervo bottle in protest.

Scorpio: You're shocked to learn this week that the image you put out there is not, as you thought, "wild party girl", but rather, "uptight bible-thumper who thinks she's cool because she owns an Avril Lavigne CD".

Sagittarius: The food fight you begin this week will be a lot less fun than you'd anticipated and a lot more painful thanks to the scalding hot soup you didn't know was being served in the cafeteria.

Capricorn: There are many effective ways to let that special someone know how you feel. Crying until you vomit is not among them.

Aquarius: This week, you find you've made one too many "leper" jokes when you're sued by the Leprosy Rights Guild, a relatively new, but powerful, lobby group. They sue you for an arm and a leg.

Pisces: Furnishing your new apartment on a limited budget? Try sculpting kicky new furniture out of modeling clay!