Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Aries: This week, you give serious thought to change your last name to something more Russian-sounding, like maybe something ending in "-shenko".
Taurus: Expect to come into contact with turnips this week, perhaps in a meal or perhaps as an interior design motif.
Gemini: There comes a point, Gemini, when the garment is really more hole than sock. Getting one's money from clothing is admirable, but it's time to spring for another 8-pack at Target.
Cancer: If it seems to you like your friends are avoiding you this week, it may be because your "organic hemp deodorant" is not doing its job.
Leo: You make the mistake this week of confiding to your lover that you've always had a sexual attraction to Mr. Peanut.
Virgo: The stress is really getting to you and you're just not sure if you can deal with another week of not knowing whether Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are married or not. Your co-workers are now taking up a collection to buy you a life.
Libra: There is travel on your horizon. It's just a trip to 7-11 for Fritos and condoms, but, hey, at least it gets you out of the house.
Scorpio: You should wear hats more often. Or just a bag over your head.
Sagittarius: Nobody is going to want to see your all-nude production of You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.
Capricorn: An e-mail from a long-lost friend reminds you that you'd really enjoy longer, more powerful erections.
Aquarius: Your significant other is waiting for you to open up and show them your vulnerable side. Mostly so they can then dump you and crush your spirit.
Pisces: You should not try to whittle yourself an artificial leg.