Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, March 29, 2006


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: You feel incredibly excited this week upon finding out that Jack Abramoff is being sent to same prison as you. Start saving your cigarettes now if you want to make him your bitch.

Taurus: It's great that you're really excited about the upcoming Easter holiday and nobody's saying you shouldn't find new ways to celebrate the Passion, but before you have yourself nailed to a cross to better empathize with the suffering of your Lord Jesus Christ, maybe you could reconsider maybe just dying eggs different colors this year.

Gemini: The new first person shooter game you've designed, Rampage at Denny's, might be a bit more legally dicey than you'd anticipated.

Cancer: Your excitement at the release of Basic Instinct 2 is truly boundless. I won't bother you with the question of why Sharon Stone's cooter still holds that kind of mystique for you.

Leo: Getting the theme from The Jeffersons out of one's head can truly be a task. Because fish don't fry in the kitchen. Neither do beans burn on the grill. So good luck with that.

Virgo: Today's total eclipse of the sun, coming as it does on the heels of the birth of a two-headed chicken on your farm, has you fearing the imminent return of Satan. Which is why you're so understandably terrified to hear that Dick Cheney is visiting your state this week.

Libra: There comes a time in one's life when one should no longer proudly display one's hickeys. So let's break out the neckerchiefs, there, ho-bag.

Scorpio: You've got some rage issues. You might want to consider getting cute puppies tattooed on the inside of your eyelids. It could help keep you more relaxed.

Sagittarius: People are going to notice the white-out on your NCAA bracket.

Capricorn: Your fiancee is not happy with your contributions to the plans for your wedding reception, especially your "Do It Yourself Tuna Salad Bar" idea.

Aquarius: Boy, you really do love to polka, don't you?

Pisces: You've been slowly coming to the realization that working in a halibut processing plant is just not as glamorous a career as you'd hoped it might be.