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Thursday, March 30, 2006


Hopping Down the Sugar Trail

Y'know what I hate about the Easter season? The Christ.

No, I'm kidding. What I hate about Easter is the candy. Which is odd, since, when I was a kid, I lived for it. Seriously, Easter candy alone put the holiday in the number two spot on my kid's top ten holiday list. (I think Arbor Day was down at the bottom.) My folks always put together an awesome Easter basket for my sister and me, and we gorged ourselves for weeks on the contents. From a grown-up perspective, though, I'm finding the full spectrum of Easter candy lacking.

Chocolate Bunnies: My parents usually got us the solid bunnies, which I liked because you could gnaw on it for a half an hour or so (literally gnawing, mind you) and then wrap it up and come back to it when next you had the time to put in. The thought of scraping off bits of chocolate with my molars over the course of two weeks is now fairly repugnant to my adult brain, so solid chocolate bunnies are no longer for me. And hollow chocolate bunnies are invariably made with inferior chocolate, so those won't do the trick either.

Peeps: My dad's method for eating peeps is somewhat reminiscent of creating fine wines or cheeses. He opens a pack, puts them on top of the refrigerator for a good week or so and then eats them only when they have reached the proper degree of staleness. This impressed me so much when I was a kid that I always did likewise. I was still eating almost pure sugar, but it had a gourmet-ness to it. Over the last decade or so, though, I've lost the taste for it. I tried eating them fresh out of the pack, to see if maybe I could recapture some of the thrill, but they're really just kind of rancid any way you slice 'em.

Cadbury Creme Eggs: Without a doubt, some of the best commercials of my childhood. ("Thanks Eas'er Bunny!" "Bawk bawk!") But have you ever actually eaten one of these things? As I said in response to a post on CL's Sometimes I Just Talk recently, it's basically like someone hollowed out a Hershey's kiss and hawked a big loogie into it. Thanks, but no thanks.

Robins' Eggs: These are just malted milk balls with a candy coating around them, and I've been known to scarf a handful now and then when they're lying around. My problem with them is that the malted milk filling always scrapes the crap out of the roof of my mouth, so I steer clear of them when I can.

Peanut Butter Eggs: This is basically just a Reese's Cup, so it should be delicious, right? But no. Here's my theory as to why: I think they have ten gallon drums of peanut butter that they use in the Reese's factory. Every spring, they gather up the nearly empty drums and they have the janitorial staff squeegee the last scrapings of PB out of these mothers. These nearly-rancid leavings are then shipped over to the PB Eggs factory so the company can turn a higher profit on these seasonal confections. (Just a theory. The other might be that workers are pissed about having to work overtime and whiz into the mixture.)

Jelly Beans: I have very mixed emotions about jelly beans. When I was a kid, my parents would occasionally buy the "spice" jelly beans by mistake, which I hated. Spice jelly beans appeal to the same people who really look forward to enemas. Not my crowd. Fruit jelly beans I love, and still enjoy. However, as I proved not an hour ago, it's easy to eat too many of the little buggers. You do this and they sit like a multi-hued rock in your stomach, causing you to want to puke up a rainbow of beautiful vomit, which is what I feel like doing right now.

I no longer eat ham. I never liked hot cross buns. I guess this means I'll be feasting this Easter on nothing but eggs. And I'm okay with that.

I agree that most of the traditional Easter candy is overrated. Nothing beats dark chocolate, KitKats, Babe Ruth's, traditional Reese's Peanut Butter cups. And why do we have Easter candy anyway? Does anybody know?
Well, Atul, as I understand it, when Christ came out of that cave after three days, he was really hungry. Fortunately, Mary Magdalene had a Snickers bar...
I'm way past the Cadbury's eggs now, I've moved on to better things. Russell Stover's truffle eggs. Oh man, these things are awesome.
Russell Stover truffle eggs...mmm.
I am waiting for my white chocolate bunny to arrive. Mm mmm.
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