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Monday, March 13, 2006


Mr. White-Out

This being Monday, I had, this morning, my once-a-week fiesta with my worst special ed class. To sketch this situation in with some small degree of detail, allow to say that this is a special ed/bilingual class; all boys except for one incredibly sweet little girl; it's the group which contains the lovely little urchin who actually stuck an empty cookie container in my face; it's the one special ed class in which I never have a second adult, because the para-profession assigned to the class has things she'd rather be doing. I have yet to really teach these kids anything because they much prefer running around the room, getting in my face and telling me to fuck off. Ah, the joys of fifth grade.

Anyway, today, one of the little darlings (actually, it might have been two, as they tend to collaborate on their best work) took it in his head to kick things up a notch and go racial on me. He proceeded to spend the rest of the class calling me "Mr. White-out"

Now, I love being mocked for my skin color as much as the next man, but I was a little disappointed that this was the best he could come up with. So I thought I'd type up a quick list of new epithets to try to help him out for next time. Here's what I have so far:
  • Bearded Casper
  • Count Teachula
  • Senor Saltine
  • Pigmentless Pete
  • Mr. Tall, Pale and Yelly
  • Joe Wonderbread
  • Mid-West Moron
  • Sir White-a-lot
  • That Caucasian Fuck
  • British Television Detective Played by Robbie Coltrane (7 Letters)
  • Whitey McMayonnaise
  • Cap'n Sunscreen
  • Tortilla Face
  • President of the Pat Boone Fan Club
  • Honkey Kong
Now, I think any one of these is a much better option than "Mr. Whiteout". I'm going to consider it a triumph if I can get some of the kids using these much more imaginative efforts by the end of the year. It's called reaching out, people.

Isn't Mr Whiteout a song by the Killers?
I prefer the President of the Pat Boone Fan Club one myself.
Well, you're asking a bit much from a fifth grader. True acerbic wit develops two or three years later. You're a few years away from "Ritz", "the Abominable Snow-beeyatch", "Mont Blanc", "Count of Honky Cristo" or "Betty White."
big props on the robbie coltrane bit.
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