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Sunday, March 19, 2006


No, Seriously, Tom Cruise Is Absolutely Fucking Crazy

I was out with some friends last night and the subject of Matt Stone and Trey Parker's troubles with the Church of Scientology came up. In case you haven't heard, Isaac Hayes quit the show this week in incredibly delayed response to one of the funniest South Park episodes ever, which mocked the living shit out of the "church", Tom Cruise, John Travolta and R. Kelly. Hayes announced his departure from the show, saying he could no longer work on a show which was so insensitive of religious beliefs. Parker and Stone issued a statement which essentially said, "Whatever." The Scientology episode was set to re-run this week, but Comedy Central instead ran two episode which featured Hayes' character Chef, saying they felt it was an appropriate way to say goodbye to the character. Stories have run saying that the network actually bowed to pressure from Cruise, who allegedly told parent company Viacom that he would not promote his upcoming crapfest Mission Impossible III if they reran the episode. Spokesmen for Cruise vehemently deny this.

(Wow, that may be the longest paragraph I've ever written without a joke.)

I've got to say, I've reached a point where I believe every single fucking thing anyone says about Tom Cruise. At this point, the guy seems freakier to me than Michael Jackson and at least as out of touch with reality as George W. Bush. There's nothing, really, that I could hear about this guy that wouldn't sound at least a little bit credible.

I believe he pressured Comedy Central to kill the episode. I believe he's mentally unstable. I believe he's gay. I believe he offered Katie Holmes a lucrative contract to play his wife and become pregnant. (I'm assuming the father is either a turkey-baster or some Scientologist who submitted the winning "Why I Should Be Allowed to Impregnate Mrs. Cruise" essay.) I believe he helped shut down Radar magazine after they ran a story savaging his religion.

But that's all just the basics. I believe a lot more.

I believe Tom Cruise is behind the cover-up of the real story of the Dick Cheney hunting accident. I believe he's sabotaging the Space Shuttle program to keep us from becoming a space-faring people who would more easily come under the sway of Lord Xenu. I believe he poisoned Slobodan Milosevic. I believe he arranged Northwestern State's upset win over Iowa in the NCAA tourney. I believe he kidnapped Phillip Seymour Hoffman's family and threatened to kill them if Hoffman didn't agree to appear in MI:3. I believe he traveled back in time and killed my guinea pig in 1981.

The bottom line is: Tom Cruise must be stopped.

So I'm putting out the call right here and now. Let's get an angry mob together, I'll bring the pitchforks, you bring the torches. Let's hunt this fucker down right now before he takes over the world. I'm not suggesting, mind you, that we kill him. I just think maybe we should send him up in a satellite and keep him in orbit around the planet without any way of communicating with his minions. We'll send up plenty of food with him and copies of all of his movies on DVD, so he'll have to suffer through them like we have.

If we don't do anything about this guy now, we are, I tells ya, doomed.

...and then I pull out my gun!
I do wonder sometimes if Katie Holmes lays awake beside her sleeping Tom and wonders how the hell she got herself into this mess.
He does appear to be bizarre.
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