Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Monday, March 27, 2006


Sea of Love Was a Long Time Ago

I don't know about you, but I loved Ocean's Eleven. Not the original, which I never saw, 'cause I get enough Sinatra in my life by osmosis, without having to seek him out. I'm talking about the George Clooney/Steven Soderburgh romp from a few years back. It was just so fucking fun. All these big names and they seemed to be having such a good time up there. It wasn't great film-making by any stretch of the imagination, but it was jazzy and slick and very enjoyable. Plus, you've got to love anyone who throws some work Eliot Gould's way, don't you?

So I was, naturally, excited when they put out a sequel.

(Insert shudder take here)

It's been adequately documented elsewhere how very just how much rancid gravy this movie sucked. It was a steaming turd of a movie and it made me a little resentful toward all involved. "Is it so hard," I reasoned, "to enjoy the hell out of yourselves at your fabulous European locations and still put together a movie that doesn't make me want to hang myself with my Red Vines?" You wouldn't think so. And yet...

Now I see today that they're cranking out another one. Ocean's Thirteen, they're calling it. It apparently won't have Julia Roberts or Catherine Zeta-Jones, so that's good at least. Reading the article to which I've linked, I noticed that they're bringing in Ellen Barkin, which is great, because she's an excellent actress whose work I've enjoyed for a long time. Reading further, I noticed that she's playing Matt Damon's love interest.


Ellen Barkin and Matt Damon? Who the fuck thought that one up? Now, lest I stir up the wrath of women who are nauseated by the constant screen pairing of nubile young actresses with male co-stars thrice their age, let me say that I'm against that, too. I find it incredibly creepy when we're meant to believe that Tea Leoni would go anywhere near Woody Allen's dick. And an Ellen Barkin/Matt Damon romance is nowhere near in the league of, say, Helen Hunt falling for Jack Nicholson when the only contact she should have with him is changing his colostomy bag.

It's not that I think that Ellen Barkin is too old for Matt Damon. He's just too young for her.

So here's a solution: fire Matt Damon and give his part to Dennis Quaid. They've got chemistry, we know that. And Quaid could out-act Damon with his motivation tied behind his back, so it'd make for a better flick. I know that Steven Soderburgh is a fan of mine and will, of course, take my advice. So now it's just a matter of time.

Your post is hillarious I love it...

I really haven't seen Ellen in enough to judge...but she seems like a lame choice to me...

And you're absolutly right Ellen + Matt Forever...yea, uh, no.

Matt and Angelina in the Good Shepherd...I can see it...but in this movie that's going to be horrible....

uhh...i just threw up thinking about it...gotta go.

--RC of
the goddamn song is now embedded in my head. Thanks a lot, Wack.
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