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Sunday, March 26, 2006


We're All Gonna Be Tanner. Yay!

This morning, This Week with George Steffiblahblahlus had a feature on global warming, just one place among many I've been hearing about this issue lately. Apparently, a bunch of liberal elite scientists have come up with conclusive proof that we're quickly reaching the point of no return beyond which we'll have done irrevocable damage to ice shelves on both poles.

Y'know, I got three words for these scientists: Boo Fucking Hoo.

"Oh no! All coastal areas in the U.S. are going to be underwater in a couple hundred years!" Like that's supposed to scare me? Au contraire, mon frer. Think of how cool Scranton, PA will be when it's a beach community. I see exciting new real estate opportunities all over the place here. It's like Lex Luthor's scheme to sink California into the Pacific in Superman: The Movie, only for real and without Ned Beatty. And come on, are we really going to miss Florida?

And another thing: these whiny scientists who are pissing and moaning about the damage we're doing to the eco-systems that sustain countless arctic species all believe in evolution, right? They're the ones that want to tell us that Intelligent Design is "retarded"? Well if they're such huge fucking fans of Darwin, why aren't they excited about the spontaneous mutation that's going to happen so that polar bears and penguins can live in this fantastic new global Cabo that's being created? Maybe this'll finally force those waddly little fucks to get some muscle tone in their wings so they can fly someplace they can survive.

I mean, what they hell do these guys want, anyway? They want me to give up my three cars? Fuck that. And what am I supposed to tell my students, who all dream of someday driving around in a shiny H3? "I'm sorry, Bobby, you can't ever live your dream, because the scientists care more about fucking seals than about your chances of getting laid." I don't ever want to have to say that to a kid.

And half these guys are telling us that it's already too late. The governor of Montana (some fat tool in a bolo tie, fer Christ's sake) was talking with Stephanhoobastank this morning and saying that it'd take a decade at least to get alternative fuel companies up and running. A decade? Hey, wouldn't the Statue of Liberty already be wading up to her boobs by then? So, if it's too late, why don't these assholes shut up and build a fucking ark?

The thing is, folks, George W. Bush cares more about the environment than any president we've had in recent history. You don't think he's all over this like a frat boy on a passed-out chick? Dubya is large and in charge, my friends. You heard him say we're addicted to oil, right? They man knows about being addicted to shit and he would not make that reference lightly. The man has a plan. We're just not ready, as a country, to handle that plan yet. When the Bushmaster feels that we can maintain, he'll whip that plan out tell us how we're going to keep the planet occupiable while not doing untoward damage to the great oil companies that have made this country the great place that it is.

Let's face it, the Kyoto Protocol was for suckers. Clinton was probably getting blown when he signed it and didn't even realize what he was putting his name on. But George realized that going along with the entire rest of the world is just not what a real leader does. A real leader goes by his own path. And, yeah, sometimes that path wanders around through the woods and runs into huge piles of bear feces, but it's still our path. I personally don't want to be one of those who say, "Well, I guess we'd better join in. After all, the Netherlands is doing it." Y'know what? Fuck the Dutch.

So if global warming is happening (that's right, I said, "IF"), all I have to say is: Good. 'Cause I fucking hate snowshoeing.

You are my hero.

Will you adopt me as your son?
A real leader follows the logical intelligent path regardless of who else is following it. That seems to elude Bush because he's not smart, nor is he a real leader.
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