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Tuesday, April 25, 2006


Black Gold...Texas Tea

Speaking before the Renewable Fuels Association, President Bush today addressed the nation's concerns about rising fuel costs by outlining a four-part plan to bring down prices at the pump.

Mr. Bush first announced a plan to halt fuel companies' deposits into the Strategic Oil Reserve, which had been somewhat depleted after last year's hurricane Katrina-induced fuel shortages. The president said, "We got plenty a' oil in the reserve right now, so we're gonna hold off on replacing it and let that oil stay on the open market. It's kinda like when you've got a jar in the house and you're putting money in it to buy a new plane or a third home. Then alluva sudden you need to buy a whole bunch of cocaine, but you don't have time to go to the bank. So you just dip into that jar and pay it back later. This is like that."

Next, Bush said that he had instructed the Justice Department to do an in-depth investigation into price gouging by the oil companies. Reached for comment at the Justice Department, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales described the plan thusly: "We've got this intern who we think is borderline retarded. Name's Buddy. Anyway, we're going to blindfold Buddy, spin him around a couple dozen times, then send him out on the streets. He's going to ask anyone he bumps into if they're price gouging. Anyone who says yes, we're going to prosecute. Buddy's very excited, because before this, the only thing we let him do is hand out paper towels in the bathroom."

Bush then detailed a plan to be put in place by the end of summer in which a giant siphon hose will be attached to Canada. "They seem to have plenty of cars and gas up there," Bush said. "So we're going to take just a little bit of that. They ain't gonna miss it anyway."

Finally, Bush has sent a team of researchers to the rain forests of South America to try to find some sort of wild animal that "...eats lesbians and pisses gasoline." Said Mr. Bush, "You figure there's all kinds of weird shit on this planet. The odds are that there oughtta be a animal like that out there somewhere." The president then spent the next five minutes trying to tie his shoes.