Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Monday, April 17, 2006


Brutal Dictators Are People, Too

The New York City Police Department this week is ramping up its campaign to make the city a safer place by mounting video cameras on city streets. Predictably, there are already people whining that putting the entire city under surveillance is the first step on the road to an Orwellian nightmare in which we'll all have behavior-modification microchips embedded beneath our flesh.

Well, I'm here to say I think they're a great idea. Hey, if somebody's walking down the street, smoking a joint, I want the police to know about it so they can throw that toking bastard in jail. What's that? "If he's not hurting anybody, then why is it a problem?" I'll tell you why, pal. What if that "harmless hop-head" is on his way to his job at Subway? So he gets all high in order to deal with having such an unrelentingly shitty career and then he's making sandwiches while stoned. Then I come in, thinking that I'll enjoy myself a nice six-inch VeggieMax on honey oat. Only herb-boy is lost in the purple haze when he's supposed to be listening to my order, so instead of putting honey mustard on my sandwich, he uses dijon. I hate dijon mustard. Hate it! So I'd much rather see this little prick in jail than putting the wrong mustard on my sandwich.

Let me give you another example of how these cameras are going to make life in the city better. Let's say it's winter. We're experiencing a nasty snow storm and the streets and sidewalks are icy. (Fortunately, thanks to global warming, we'll never have to go through something like this again, but this is just a hypothetical, so we'll say they somehow restore our planet's eco-health and move along with the imaginary story.) So there's this fat guy. He's walking down a deserted street. He's eating a cake. Maybe it's his birthday or maybe he just makes it a habit to munch on cake. It's German chocolate. He's taking a big bite of cake and really enjoying the coconut aspect of it all and he's not really watching where he's going and there's nobody else on the street to tell him to watch out. He steps onto an icy patch, falls forward and lands face first in his cake. Now, normally, this guy falls, there's nobody there to see it. He cleans himself off, goes to the office and the only consequence is that he's going to mourn the loss of the rest of his cake. A fat guy falling onto cake and nobody sees it? What a waste! But if there are cameras digi-patrolling the streets, then the cops who are monitoring this can have an excellent laugh at this guy's expense. Hell, maybe we all could.

Think about that. We could have an entire cable channel filled with cheap reality shows that use the feed from these cameras. You could have one show that features dramatic police chases. You could have a "wacky bloopers" show featuring things like the fat cake guy. You could have a late-night adults-only show that shows people who think they're getting away with having public sex. With the advertising revenue the channel generates, these cameras would pay for themselves!

And as far as that dystopian future the cry-babies are so scared of, would that really be such a bad thing? Wouldn't it be kind of comforting to know that your government had installed a lowjack on you that could shut down all of your bodily functions if you step out of line? I mean, we're all faced with these moral judgment calls every day and it gets tiring. It would be very restful to just let some guy in a central control room who's never met you make those decisions for you.

Don't forget: in all of those movies that show the future as some sort of oppressive totalitarian society, the women are often dressed in form-fitting black military outfits. That's hot. So much better than Logan's Run-style flowy, billowy white outfits.

Anyway, no matter what side of this debate you come down on, I think we can all agree that fat guys falling into German chocolate cake are funny.

Jesus, Joe, you're absolutely right!! Fat Guys eating cake and falling face first on a sheet of icy concrete is totally hilarious!!! Thanks for the excellent, and balanced reporting.

Here via Prego
Post a Comment

<< Home