Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Thursday, April 13, 2006


Camera Shy

At the risk of disappointing the ones of readers who click onto Hairshirt to get their dose of Misery Done Right TM, I'm sitting here this morning almost completely content. I'm sporting flip-flops and shorts, in anticipation of a lovely New York Spring day. I've got a pot full of delicious coffee that I'm drinking one cup at a time from my favorite diner-style cup. I'm at the beginning of an eleven day break from teaching, during which I expect to sleep in a whole fucking lot.

I'd be almost completely at ease if it weren't for the webcam my wife picked up over the weekend. I understand the reason behind the purchase. My father-in-law has one on his computer and it's really nice to be able to see your loved ones when you're IMing. It eliminates the suspicion that you might not be talking to your friend, but rather a sex pervert who's somehow hijacked your friend's computer.

As nifty a tool as the webcam is, though, there are a few problems I have with it.

First off, this particular webcam is mounted on our monitor in a way that makes it look like it's crawling over the top on its way to plunge its circuits into my skull and make me into its cyborg slave. The largest part of it is vaguely head-shaped, and that cyclopsian eye is just staring at me.

The second problem is that I'm not always aware of when my wife is using it. Last night, she was IMing my sister-in-law when I came back to get ready for bed. I was nekkid from the waist down when my wife shrieked, "Hey! Make sure you're not in camera range!" That's no good. I don't want to traumatize my niece or nephews accidentally. "Come say hi to your auntie." "Mommy, there's a big hairy ass on the screen! My eyes! My eyes!"

Finally, and this is really the scariest problem,
I really have no way to be absolutely certain that it's not taking pictures of me right now. I don't know who owns Creative. It could be a government front company. Homeland Security could be filming me right now. Hang on one second, because I'm going to run a test.

(Brief interlude)

Okay, I just held up a sign that said "President Bush Fucks Retarded Donkeys" and nobody's busted down my door yet, so that makes me feel a little better. A little.

Anyway, under surveillance or not, I'm going to go enjoy my time off now. Happy Passover! Happy Easter! Happy Drunken Passing Out Day!