Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Hairshirt Horoscope (Special Edition)
Aries: This week, you find that people you thought of as friends are just not there for you when you really need them, much like every Republican in the House is not there for Tom DeLay.
Taurus: This is a good week to get outside and enjoy a few rounds of golf, the same game Tom DeLay played in Scotland on a trip he took for ethically shaky reasons.
Gemini: This week, you need to really take to heart the old saying, "What goes around comes around." For a great example of this, just see Tom DeLay.
Cancer: This week, you find that your faith really gives you strength through adverse times. Not, maybe, as much strength as Tom DeLay had when he figured that Christ Jesus would help him get away with all sorts of improprieties, but strength enough.
Leo: This week, you will be drawn to a new love like Tom DeLay was drawn to lobbyists' money.
Virgo: Be careful that you don't become a hypocrite this week. Like the kind of hypocrite who would use every smear tactic in the book and then announce that he's not running for re-election because the other side might practice "the politics of personal destruction". Like Tom DeLay.
Libra: Tonight, instead of going out on the town, you really feel more like staying home, close to your loved ones. Kind of like Tom DeLay might, if anyone loved him.
Scorpio: At times this week, you find yourself feeling old, like you're no longer useful. That's not the case at all. You've got decades of productivity ahead of you and a lot to offer the world. Unlike Tom DeLay.
Sagittarius: After reading this article, you get the utterly creepy feeling that Ann Coulter probably masturbates to a picture of Tom DeLay. Ick.
Capricorn: Remember, a real friend will point out to you when you've got a really bad haircut. Obviously, nobody ever did this for Tom DeLay.
Aquarius: Caring for those around you means doing what's best for them at all times, not just when you're about to get run out of Washington on a rail, like Tom DeLay.
Pisces: Tom DeLay's a real piece of shit, isn't he? Not that that has anything to do with you, Pisces. By the way, your lucky number this week is 8. Or 13 or something like that.