Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, April 19, 2006


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: You're one of the few people who firmly believes that the Duke lacrosse players are completely innocent. That's mostly because you've always just assumed that anyone who plays lacrosse is gay.

Taurus: This week, you finally find that last hidden Easter egg. Or maybe it's more accurate to say that its stench finds you.

Gemini: You need to find time to let your hair down, pour yourself a drink, crank up your favorite Gordon Lightfoot album and just get crazy.

Cancer: Measuring your penis in centimeters instead of inches can be a soothing balm on your self-esteem. Finally, the metric system is good for something.

Leo: Unfinished tasks require your attention this week. For example, that old woman you started helping across the street on Sunday is still in the intersection, waiting for you to come back.

Virgo: Shrink-wrapping your head is not the most effective way to fight allergies.

Libra: Try not to let your frustrations get the best of you this week. Potty training is hard at any age, so there's no reason to beat yourself up just because you're in your mid-thirties and wearing Huggies Pull-Ups.

Scorpio: Now that Tom and Katie have had their baby, you feel listless and without purpose. Not to worry. Melissa Etheridge and her partner are expecting, too, so your feverish speculation celebrity pregnancy quota is still being met.

Sagittarius: You're haunted day and night by the same question: McGriddle or BK French Toast Sandwich?

Capricorn: You take your first long-distance train trip this week and come to the astounding realization that it's just as boring as flying, just longer.

Aquarius: The speakers you bought for your iPod finally allow you to play the theme from Welcome Back, Kotter at full volume whenever you enter a room. The age of the personal soundtrack is upon us!

Pisces: Either the Dwarf Princes of Alterion VII have renewed their assault on planet earth, causing people to melt in front of you as you walk down the street or you forgot to take your anti-psychotic meds this morning.