Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Aries: A new job offer is just around the corner. Seeing as you live around the corner from a Taco Bell, this is nothing to get excited about.
Taurus: This week, you should heed the old Confucian saying, "She that types on the computer and gets jelly all over the keyboard needs to clean the damn thing off." Actually, that might have been Ann Landers, not Confucius.
Gemini: That peanut butter, tuna and guava sandwich you've been craving? Probably a bad idea.
Cancer: This week, you come to the conclusion that, in hindsight, the music of New Kids on the Block might not have been as timeless as it once seemed.
Leo: Unpacking upon your return from Spring Break in Daytona, you sadly realize that the three-pack of condoms you bought was a wee bit optimistic.
Virgo: When a bird craps on you, it's not good luck. If it had missed you, that would be good luck.
Libra: Your career as a "living statue" seems doomed even before you really get started. Damned epilepsy.
Scorpio: You need to spend some time alone, in deep self-reflection. As your calendar isn't exactly what one might call "booked-up", this shouldn't take too much schedule-juggling.
Sagittarius: You're so excited by Bush's choice of Tony Snow as his new press secretary that you rush right out and lynch someone. You Klansmen are so nutty!
Capricorn: You are crushed to learn this week that your film was not, as you'd thought, accepted at the Tribeca Film Festival, but rather at the Try Becca Film Festival, an annual amateur porn festival in Tulsa. It's still an honor, kind of.
Aquarius: A lint roller can be a very handy tool to have around, but it's not the most efficient way to get crumbs out of your pubes.
Pisces: The next time you're faced with a moral dilemma, try asking yourself, "What would Jesus do if he was a red-neck moron like me?"
There must be some kind of mistake here. Capricorns are never associated with 1) Having sex 2) Talking about sex 3) Thinking about sex or 4) Receiving awards to do with sex.Post a Comment
Seriously. Our horoscopes are NEVER that interesting. Please advise.