Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Hairshirt Spring Holiday Horoscope
Aries: During this year's holy celebration, you truly come to know Christ the Lord. You're stuck on a bus next to him while going to Iowa to visit family. Goddamn, that guy can talk. "Judas betrayed me, blah blah blah. Hung on the cross, blah blah blah."
Taurus: You come to the sad realization this year that dying each half of an egg a different color is not quite as fancy-looking as you used to think.
Gemini: Once again, the prophet Elijah doesn't show up for your Passover Seder. He does, however, call to let you know he's not going to make it and that you should go ahead and eat without him.
Cancer: Feeling left out that all your Jewish and Christian friends are enjoying groovy holiday fun, you invent your own holiday, "Drunken Passing-Out Day". The idea is that you drink a lot and pass out. If you pass out in a puddle of your own vomit, you'll have a prosperous year.
Leo: Your thirty-two year old daughter no longer really needs you to put together an Easter basket for her. Actually, what she could really use is a shot of penicillin to clear up her gonorhea.
Virgo: It's good that you go to church on Easter. It would be better, though, if you didn't feel the need to dress like Darth Maul. Makes the rest of the congregation nervous.
Libra: You're incredibly excited that a friend has invited you for your first Passover Seder. The fact that you show up with a big bowl of your famous Deviled Ham Spread means that it will probably be your last Passover Seder.
Scorpio: For you this week, Good Friday could more accurately be described as Shitty Friday, or even Testicularly Painful Friday.
Sagittarius: Your passion for discounted Easter candy turns ugly this year, as, during an Easter Monday sale at Walgreen's, you fracture the ribs of an 80-year-old woman who's reaching for the last package of Peeps.
Capricorn: Your recipe for Matzah-sagna is not the big hit you were expecting it to be.
Aquarius: This year, you celebrate the resurrection of Jesus with a Viagra-fueled resurrection of your own. Sadly, you're all by yourself when this happens.
Pisces: It's nice that you love to make the Easter egg hunt a challenge for your kids, but perhaps burying eggs in a five-foot-deep hole is taking it just a step too far.