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Tuesday, April 04, 2006


Malevolent Elf Gets Anchor Gig

So do you think Bob Schieffer is stomping around his office saying, "Seriously?!?"

I realize she's popular. I know she's got a wonderful way with celebrity interviews. I think it's great that we've all seen the inside of her ass. But to elevate her to the spot once held by Cronkite? Sweet merciful Jesus, that's wrong.

This is not a journalist. This is a perky hairdo with a smile like a fucking pirhana. And yeah, hey, I absolutely agree with those who say that we are far, far overdue for a network anchor who's not a white guy. But we can do better than this. What about Cokie Roberts? What about hiring Christiane Amanpour away from CNN? What about Waylon Flowers and Madam? Fucking anybody besides Katie.

Hey, why the hell do we even need an anchor? Why not use some innovative new technology to allow viewers to choose from a menu of personalized computer-generated anchors? You're fond of Big Bird? Press a button and he's telling you about the Iraqi insurgency. Single and horny? Make a minor adjustment and Jenna Jameson is interviewing Vicente Fox topless. You could have Woody Allen giving you NASDAQ stats or Speed Buggy discussing Tom Delay's retirement from politics.

Isn't that a much more appealing notion than having to stare nightly at the woman who's been brow-beating Al Roker for over a decade?