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Friday, May 19, 2006


And I'm Proud to Be an American...

Today, Americans can breath a little bit easier.

Our courageous legislators in the Senate passed a bill yesterday that establishes English as the National Language of the United States of America. In this non-reporter's opinion, this vote comes just in the nick of time. Over the past few months, I've felt completely overwhelmed by the number of people on my block speaking Dutch and Pig-Latin. It seems I can't leave my house without passing by some hooligan who insists on speaking in words I can't understand.
Why, a menu was left on my doorstep last week, and half of it was in Chinese! Chinese for God's sake! I mean, those damn squiggly things don't even look like letters!

And I know I'm not alone. God-fearing patriots all over the country have felt under siege by Foreign-istas with their fancy bilingualism and their commie-esque desire to understand and celebrate other cultures. High school students all over our nation are forced not only to take years of Spanish or French (or some even sicker language), but also to join Spanish Club, put on sombreros and choke down gazpacho and flan. The stuff looks like mucus, folks. It just does. I can't flip through the higher numbers on my cable box without running into some movie where a bunch of colorfully-dressed people jabber away in Indian. And not good, old-fashioned Indian like Tonto.

So I'm glad that the Senate finally had the guts to shove past the Lefties and take a stand for Joe Citizen. And Joe Citizen, Jr., too. I just wish they'd have gone a step further and passed a law that black folks have to stop using slang that I can't keep up with. "Yo, Mr. Wack, why you mad beastin'?" What the hell does that mean? I say, if you can't talk like they talked on Leave It to Beaver, you shouldn't open your mouth. And while they're at it, senators also need to make it illegal for women to talk about their "monthly friend". In fact, let's just go ahead and limit the amount of talking women can do, period. God knows I've heard enough from the guys down at the lodge about how their women just won't shut up. Fortunately, since my wife got back from the hospital, we don't have that problem in my house any longer.

God bless the English-speaking U.S.A.

Oh. My. Gawd. Remind me never to read your blog whilssst drinking orange juice. Citric acid in my mucus membranes and now on my computer monitor just hurts.
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