Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Aries: This week finds you searching for fun projects to do with your kids. Perhaps you should consider baking.
Taurus: It's been two days and you're only now starting to pull yourself together after the earth-shattering heartbreak of David Blaine's failure to break the world record for holding his breath. If it's any consolation, all it took for Blaine to get over it was two hookers and a couple grams of cocaine.
Gemini: You're experiencing a vague sense of unease. Which, when you think about it, is pretty fucking useless, because if you're uneasy, you really oughtta know the reason why.
Cancer: You've once again forgotten to send a Mothers' Day card until the last minute and once again will have to send it Express Mail. Well done, moron.
Leo: This week, you're feeling pathetic, wretched, like you just can't win no matter what you do. Sort of like the Cavaliers against the Pistons. Fucking Pistons.
Virgo: Right now, you are at your sexual peak, and you know it. Your body is driving you do experience the nastiest thrills around. Which is not exactly sitting well with the other nuns in your convent.
Libra: Polls show your approval ratings are at an all-time low of 28%. This could be due to the fact that they're only polling your ex-girlfriends.
Scorpio: This week, you find Jesus...with another woman. Well, he's a playa.
Sagittarius: A new pet brings joy and laughter to the household. She also brings 2 AM howling and diarrhea on the new white sofa, but I guess you buys yer ticket and takes yer chances.
Capricorn: The Capricorn who has just graduated from college has much to look forward to. Like a shitty job market and the fun of paying back students loans. Yee-haw!
Aquarius: This week, you are neither pickin' nor a-grinnin'. You're more obsessin' and self-medicatin'.
Pisces: What would you do for a Klondike bar? You're about to find the answer to that question, Pisces, and you're probably not going to like yourself very much afterward.