Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Aries: The stars would like to tell you what your future holds, but they make it a policy not to discuss matters relating to an ongoing investigation.
Taurus: No matter what a fuck-up you married, be glad you didn't hook up with this guy.
Gemini: With the warmer weather, Gemini, you're feeling the need to buy a whole new wardrobe. Which, given your budgetary restrictions, will most likely consist of clothes made entirely of Kleenex.
Cancer: Your idea for a Da Vinci Code-esque thriller based on the premise that the Methodist denomination was founded as part of a plot to use Jell-O salad to conquer the world will not be quite as well-received by the major publishing houses as you'd hoped.
Leo: You're so shocked and appalled by DC Comics' announcement that they're bringing back the character of Batwoman as a lesbian that you vow never to have children, just in case they should someday pick up a DC comic. Which is a fairly over-the-top reaction, when you think about it.
Virgo: You spend several hours today just pondering the word "glob". This is probably because you're high.
Libra: Remember, Libra, it hurts a lot less if you just rip the bandage off quickly. Unless it's not actually a bandage, but rather a bandage-shaped growth of some sort. In which case, you're looking at some massive pain no matter how fast you rip it off.
Scorpio: Looking for a way to make an impression on your hot new neighbor? Here's some advice: a nice bouquet of flowers may not have the impact of a burning cross, but it's much less likely to land you in jail.
Sagittarius: When choosing a song as the first dance you take with your soon-to-be spouse, you might want to think twice about using "My Humps".
Capricorn: You're so excited about Al Gore's return to public prominence that you rush out and get his face tattooed on your ass. It's wonderful that someone can inspire you to that degree.
Aquarius: This week, you're once again undone by your unfortunate habit of not checking to see if there's enough toilet paper before you sit down. Oh, Aquarius, will you never learn?
Pisces: This week, your dreams are answered as ABC launches, The One, a show that combines the aesthetic delights of American Idol with the interpersonal dynamics of Last Comic Standing. You're an idiot.