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Tuesday, May 23, 2006


A Hairshirt of a Different Kind

I remember when I was a teenager, listening to one of my uncles talk about his issues with body hair. He said, "At first, I just had a lot of chest hair and I thought, 'That's okay. As long as it doesn't start growing on my shoulders.' Then I started getting hair on my shoulders and I thought, 'Well, as long as it doesn't grow on my back.' Then that happened. Eventually, you just have to accept it."

This is apparently the family member I take after. Which is fine, I guess, I mean, he's a great guy. I just wish I could've inherited some slightly less hirsute genes. As things stand, at age 35, here's what I look like:
And I've basically made peace with that. For the most part. Except I haven't really.

My wife and I are leaving town this weekend for a trip to the Bahamas. This trip will involve copious amounts of time spent on beaches. Now, I could wear a shirt the whole time I'm on the beach. But that would be giving in to my fears. Conversely, I could boldly go without a shirt, letting my shoulder hair blow freely in the wind, but that could lead to rude little children pointing at me and asking their mothers what kind of God would do that to somebody.

And so I'm taking the third route. Tomorrow, 'round five o'clock, I'm going to get hair removed from my person. I'm going to lie face down on a table while someone--who I'm paying--rips the hair from my back in small patches. I'm scared. I've never had this type of thing done before. I don't even like to go in for pedicures.

I'm wondering how much skin comes off along with the hair. Am I going to look like I've just survived a leopard attack? Is my skin going to be swollen and tender, like a good steak? How long will my back be sensitive? Will I even be able to enjoy the salt-water shores of Grand Bahama Island? So many questions, so little time.

Then there's the sad fact that probably this hair-removal will serve to do nothing so much as make it easier for people to see my flab. Man, I'd so much rather be Colin Farrell.


haven't you seen 40 Yr. Old virgin, man? That shit's painful.

Get some nair.
I'm with that beige fuck on this one, dude.

From the afterlife, I implore you to go chemical on this one.
It hurts, especially the first time. Then it gets better because what grows back is thinner. Depending on your skin type, you may or may not have skin irritation.

Just remember lots of skin moisturizer. And don't forget your sunscreen. That skin hasn't seen sunlight for a long time.

hair removal for men
Yeah, the thing is, I've done Nair before and I fucking hated it. It burns, Jose Amador. It burns!
Colin Farrell wouldn't be my first choice...
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