Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Hairshirt Horoscope (Independence Weekend Edition)
Aries: Your bitterness knows no bounds at your family picnic this weekend as your siblings once again remind you that your potato salad isn't as good as your mother's. To keep the peace, bite your tongue and add a dash of paprika.
Taurus: The fireworks display you watch this year is one of the most spectacular things you've ever seen. Of course, you're on two hits of acid, so your wrist watch is also fascinating, as are blades of grass.
Gemini: To you, the 4th of July seems like a tacky and pointless holiday. You much prefer the upscale pleasures of Bastille Day. God, you're a wanker.
Cancer: You're prone to massive hissy-fits this holiday weekend, especially if you're a Cancer whose illegal detention of international prisoners was just blocked by the Supreme Court. Take solace in the fact that congress doesn't have the balls to call you on your warrantless wiretapping and shut the fuck up.
Leo: The holiday seems utterly pointless and rancid to you, as you are denied the sublime pleasure of seeing Superman Returns. You are an object of pity to all around you.
Virgo: You once again celebrate the freedoms that all Americans have--bought with the blood of our nation's armed forces and generations of patriots--by getting really drunk and passing out in your own vomit. God Bless America!
Libra: Remember: Jumping off of a cliff on your hang-glider and soaring over majestic mountainscapes is daring. Lighting a firecracker and dropping it in your shorts is just fucking stupid.
Scorpio: For the first time in what seems like years, your town's 4th of July parade will not be ruined by a thunderstorm. No, this time, it's the Ebola Virus. Just can't win for losing, can you?
Sagittarius: For some reason, you just can't seem to generate any enthusiasm among your friends for your awesome "Nude Re-enactment of the Signing of the Declaration of Independence" idea.
Capricorn: In a fit of drunken patriotism, you and your best friend stagger into the local Army recruitment office and enlist. You're kind of a Yankee Doodle Dipshit, aren't you?
Aquarius: Aquarians with children should be aware that dressing them in identical red, white and blue outfits is not nearly as adorable as you think. Especially when they're in their thirties.
Pisces: Nobody is impressed by your box of Bang Snaps.