Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, June 07, 2006


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: You're feeling terribly conflicted, unsure of your own emotions, as you find yourself going against every celebrity-worshipping instinct in your being and forming the opinion that Shiloh is a stupid fucking name for a baby girl. I only hope you can someday forgive yourself for your anti-Brangelina heresy.

Taurus: The warmer weather does not necessarily mean it's time to break out your Slip-n-Slide. You're in your thirties now and you risk breaking a hip.

Gemini: It is not okay to bring a prostitute to a family funeral. Unless you're related to her, in which case, go to town.

Cancer: If you're out of milk and you're seriously considering pouring Gatorade on your morning bowl of Bran Flakes, please, please, please just shake it off and run to the store instead.

Leo: That guy you've had your eye on for months finally notices you this week. That's mostly because you're dressed in a clown suit and waving a gun. You're actually pretty hard to miss.

Virgo: While you shouldn't feel bad about how excited you are that the new Superman movie opens in three weeks, you should probably abandon your plan to wear your Man of Steel Underoos from now until the premiere.

Libra: This week, you're filled with an intense desire to eat as much pistachio pudding as you possibly can. I don't know, man, it's just a fucked-up week for you.

Scorpio: You should not tell your girlfriend that you've named her breasts "Starsky & Hutch". She will not be flattered.

Sagittarius: Sagittarians who have been attempting to sell something will find they suddenly have multiple buyers. Which is great, because the baby-selling market has really been in decline lately.

Capricorn: Repeat after me: A yo-yo is not a sex toy.

Aquarius: Nobody wants to hear you sing your favorite Human League songs.

Pisces: Glue can put a broken vase back together, but it can't mend a broken heart. I tried it once and I just wound up with this bloody, sticky mess. Really just not effective.