Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, June 14, 2006


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: A child comes to you with a problem this week. Unfortunately for him, you're way too coked up to be of any help.

Taurus: Taureans this week will be feeling a little camera-shy. The NSA, however, does not care one iota about your feelings, so consider yourself still under surveillance.

Gemini: Make sure you set aside some time this week to spend with your loved ones. No, not your testicles, your other loved ones. Jesus, always with the masturbation, this one.

Cancer: You find your pinball game has suffered greatly since you got that artificial hip.

Leo: No matter how upset you get today, Leo, it's not okay to stab someone. Seriously, just keep the fucking knife away.

Virgo: When looking at travel options for an upcoming trip, remember: the cheaper the bus ticket, the more likely that the "restroom" consists of an open window out of which you can stick your ass.

Libra: This is not a good week for Librans to go in front of congressional committees. So you might want to fake a heart attack or something.

Scorpio: You are so geared up for tonight's big Flag Day celebration that you haven't been able to sleep for days, looking forward to the flag-making contests and the flag pie and all the flags and such. So you see? There is an upside to being retarded.

Sagittarius: A moustache might make you look more sophisticated, but not when it's drawn on with a Sharpie.

Capricorn: When your good-neighbor policy consists of welcoming folks to the block with your famous "Neighborhood Rap", you need to get a new policy.

Aquarius: You are as absolutely certain that you look great in a Speedo as George W. Bush is certain that his Iraq policies have been sound. And you're just as justified in that certainty.

Even though you're out of toilet paper and desperate, you must never wipe your ass with the cat.