Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Hairshirt Summer Horoscope
Aries: This summer, you're on a bit of a shoestring, so that relaxing beach getaway you've been planning is going to have to scaled back to dumping a bucket of sand into your bathtub.
Taurus: Your annual vow to get in shape during the summer months finally yields results; you do a sit-up on July 29th. Congratulations.
Gemini: You will be tempted to believe that the increased heat this summer is all in your imagination. You'll be proved wrong in that assumption when the sidewalk in front of your house melts in August.
Cancer: You are caught in a Three's Company-esque web of lies this summer as a casual boast about your fictitious "house in the country" drives you to more and more desperate measures to avoid having to confess your lie. It's funny in a pathetic kind of way.
Leo: The summer solstice finds you eager to fire up your brand new grill for some spicy summer BBQ! Which would be great if you had a deck or a patio or anything that allowed you to grill outside instead of in your sink.
Virgo: You find the longer summer daylight hours frustrating, as it means you have a harder time pissing outdoors without being seen.
Libra: Your joy knows no bounds as it's very, very nearly blueberry season. Think of the pies you can make! My God, think of the pies! Seriously!
Scorpio: Sticky summer days mean that you're just that much more easily irritated. Not that it takes much even in moderate weather.
Sagittarius: The question you have to ask yourself is: Is it an acceptable lie to tell your neighbors your teenager is at summer camp when they're actually doing thirty days in county for possession?
Capricorn: It's very nice of you to want to open the fire hydrant so that neighborhood kids can cool off. There are, however, better ways to do it than ripping the whole thing out of the ground with your backhoe.
Aquarius: This summer, you truly learn the meaning of happiness. You'll still be a miserable asshole, but you finally buy a dictionary and look up the word happiness. You hadn't realized it was spelled with two Ps.
Pisces: You're fantastically excited by the TV networks' summer line-ups. You're just kind of stupid that way, aren't you?
I have bought a house (see my blog). We will own it in August. So hopefully your prediction will not come true! Konrad
Konrad--Congrats on the house. I'm sure there will be nothing the least bit Three's Company-esque about it.Post a Comment
Sophie--To which sign are you referring, madam?
Beigey--Only the really cool Libras, Bro-se. The rest prefer Twinkies.