Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Saturday, June 24, 2006


Piss!?! Christ! *

I read a story this week about a convenience store clerk who was sentenced to six months in jail because he urinated in a bottle of Mountain Dew. I actually feel kind of bad for the kid. Come on, who among us hasn't pissed in a soda and then put it up for retail sale?

The story raises another question, though. I drank Mountain Dew (or at least Diet Dew) for a long, long time, only kicking the habit for good this year. I feel like I'm something of an expert on Mountain Dew; a "Dewspert", if you will. So what I'm wondering is, how the hell could the victim of this prank taste the urine? I mean, Mountain Dew is some uriney-tasting stuff as is.

I guess my feelings on this story boil down to this: There is a long-standing American tradition of putting bodily fluids into food as a way of either playing a nearly harmless prank or a way of getting revenge for a slight done to you. From the pissed-off waiter who flicks a boog into the soup of a bitchy customer to the office worker who brings in banana bread into which she's had her husband jerk it, we are a nation that finds accidental consumption of waste products hilarious. Can we truly blame this poor Florida youth for engaging in behavior our society has deemed chuckle-worthy?

I say, when you buy that Mountain Dew; when you order that Big Mac, hold the pickles; when you send back your steak to have it cooked a little more thoroughly, you are doing so with the knowledge that someone might have touched their ass to it by the time it reaches you. Let the buyer beware.

And let the convenience store clerks urinate.

*With apologies to Andres Serrano

Well, that also explains Coors Beer...if you can call it "beer."
That's why I always bring my own backup steak to restauants. You can just never be sure.
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