Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Aries: This week, you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation, as you are asked to pass the dutchie from the left hand side and you don't really wish to. It might be wise to compromise and pass it from the right hand side instead.
Taurus: When forging a prescription for OxyContin, try to come up with a better fake doctor name than "Doctor Pepper".
Gemini: A chance encounter this week could lead to a sizzling romance. Of course, the odds of this happening might pick up a bit if you'd remember to clean your dentures more than once a week.
Cancer: Between the World Cup, the Tour de France and Wimbledon, you're seriously sick and fucking tired of pussified European sports. Remedy this with an hour or so of EPSN 2 Dwarf Tossing coverage. Now that's manly.
Leo: You've always found the idea of genital warts kind of hilarious. Well who's laughing now, lumpy? Who's laughing now?
Virgo: A sound fiscal policy will only go so far toward getting you laid.
Libra: You find yourself panicked this week when your husband only gives you forty-five minutes notice that he's bringing his boss to your house for a delicious home-cooked meal. What a wacky situation! What zany solution will you come up with?
Scorpio: You need to break the habit of naming the mice you find in your glue traps.
Sagittarius: Sagittarians looking for a new job this week would do well to remember that, while it might seem a great idea at the time, few prospective employers like to find "Boob Inspector" listed under "Employment History".
Capricorn: The thunderstorm outside your window is not a fucking metaphor for your tempestuous life, it's the rapid upward motion of hot, moist air.
Aquarius: You love when your dog affectionately licks your face, which is fine, but you should know that he frequently eats turds from the litterbox.
Pisces: You can't really be considered an aficionado of classical music when the only Mozart song you know is "Rock Me Amadeus".