Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, July 12, 2006


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: You're thrilled by news of a study which finds that psilocybin has wonderful spiritual benefits, which you've known for years. You're a bit peeved, though, that they fail to mention how Phish concerts and Burning Man enhance these benefits so very greatly.

Taurus: Take advantage of the warm summer weather to spend time outside with your family. Or with someone else's family, if yours sucks.

Gemini: You're feeling very flag-burny today, Gemini. Go ahead! It's legal! Hahahahaha! Foolish, foolish congress!

Cancer: This week, Cancer, you once again find it very difficult to stick to your self-imposed "no peanut butter, bacon and mayonnaise sandwich" rule. Don't be so hard on yourself. That's a delicious sandwich that almost anybody would have trouble resisting.

Leo: You find yourself looking for a good way to give something back to the community this week, Leo. Just a suggestion, but you might want to try not walking back and forth in front of your windows naked. I'm sure the community as a whole would appreciate that.

Virgo: A simple trip to Bed, Bath & Beyond for a quesadilla maker ends in bloodshed, Virgo. Maybe you need to ask yourself if you couldn't just make the goddamn things in a frying pan.

Libra: Your enjoyment of So You Think You Can Dance is no longer ironic. What the hell happened to you, dude?

Scorpio: Think of your current situation thusly, Scorpio: poison ivy is God's way of teaching us that shitting in the woods is best left to bears. So it's not painful discomfort and the inability to sit down, it's a life lesson.

Sagittarius: Perhaps it's best this week to let sleeping dogs lie, Sagittarius. Cats, however, you can feel free to kick the shit out of.

Capricorn: You're in a romantic mood today, Capricorn. This is a good time to do something special for your mate, like planning a surprise picnic dinner or taking a shower for the first time this week. Either one would, I'm sure, be appreciated.

The day starts off promisingly, then you get "Too Shy" from Kajagoogoo stuck in your head and everything goes downhill from there.

Pisces: You get a big surprise today, Pisces, when you discover that your neighbors have been saving all the dogshit you've failed to pick up over the last two months and are sending it to you via UPS. You've got some very creative neighbors.

Dude, Donyelle's fucking hot, is all I'm sayin'.
I love these...they tend to be more accurate than any other horoscopes I've found.

That's kinda scary, isn't it?
Note to self: take shower.

I'm on it!
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