Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Aries: Your dream of a career in child-care really kind of seems like a non-starter, given the ten years you served in prison for manslaughter. Have you considered working retail?
Taurus: After five long years of waiting, the drinking game you invented in which players take a shot every time Bush vetoes a bill looks like it's finally going to get off the ground.
Gemini: Geminis will spend a good deal of time this week pondering exactly why it is that news organizations who interview people on the street to get the public's view on important news stories invariably talk to the biggest fucking dribbling idiots imaginable.
Cancer: Your sexual partner is not nearly as interested in playing "pirate games" as you are. Really, you ought to just wash that peg leg and take it back to the costume shop.
Leo: An innocent craving for split pea soup leads to your incarceration this week. Try sticking with corn chowder.
Virgo: When looking at various methods for coloring your hair, you probably ought to cross spray paint off of your list right at the start.
Libra: You really need to stop believing everything people tell you. For example: shoving batteries up your ass will not give you more energy.
Scorpio: There is something seriously wrong with the fact that you masturbate while thinking of those fucking Fanta commercials.
Sagittarius: You're terribly upset this week about the unrest in the Middle East, mostly because it's threatening to disrupt your planned Beirut vacation next month.
Capricorn: The fact that your grandmother dated a Navajo is not going to get you a discount on drinks at the casino.
Aquarius: Your social life continues its tragic downward spiral this week as you go on a blind date with someone who likes to dress up like Paul "Muad'Dib" Atreides from Dune. When he tells you that "fear is the mind-killer", just nod your head in agreement and get out at the first opportunity.
Pisces: If you're trying to impress people at dinner parties with your knowledge of art, at least get your facts straight. The Dada movement had nothing to do with taking pictures of babies. You're thinking of Anne Geddes.