Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Aries: Peanuts are delicious, but your idea to market a peanut-flavored beer will most likely prove unwise.
Taurus: You need to stop running from your fears, Taurus. Stand and face them. Just make sure you're not standing in a puddle, because then your shoe will be all wet and it's really difficult to face fear with wet feet.
Gemini: You will need to make a decision between your loved ones and your desire to set the World Record for Longest Toenails. If I might offer some advice here, your family's great and all that, but those toenails are your ticket to the glamorous world of freak-show performers.
Cancer: The situation in the Middle East has you very tense and nervous, Cancer. Rest safe in the knowledge that President Bush is taking the bold, decisive action of doing not much of anything.
Leo: Your date this evening will go much more smoothly if you abandon the idea of using "Careless Whisper" as your "killer make-out song".
Virgo: Hard as it may be to believe, the Bow-Flex you just ordered may not make you look like Angelina Jolie with just a twenty-minute workout three times a week.
Libra: The modern world is an amazing place, with technological marvels that would have seemed unthinkable even twenty years ago. Why then, you wonder, have we come no closer to the mass-production of Pleasure-Giving Fembots?
Scorpio: Do not be afraid; no-boil lasagna noodles are not, as you seem to think, the work of the devil.
Sagittarius: Writing "This machine kills fascists" on your dulcimer does not make you the modern-day Woody Guthrie you seem to think you are. Nor does your repertoire of Gordon Lightfoot covers.
Capricorn: Take advantage of the beautiful summer day. Go out and enjoy the great outdoors. If you have to, grease yourself up with Crisco so you'll fit through your front door.
Aquarius: Do you really think your grandmother is going to use that Bungie Jump gift certificate you got her, or are you secretly hoping she'll suggest that you go instead?
Pisces: You lose your enthusiasm for translating Hamlet into Pig Latin after about a half a page. And the world is a better because of it.