Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Hairshirt Back to School Horoscope
Aries: You're determined that this year will be different; that this year will mean more; that this year, you will outshine everything you've done before; that this year will see you triumphant. Which is nice and all, but the reality is that you're still not gonna get laid. (But my God, you'll try.)
Taurus: This year will be a fierce battle of wills between you and a teacher, both hell bent to gain the upper hand in the student-teacher relationship. Well to hell with her. If she was all that fucking great, she wouldn't be stuck teaching kindergarten, a point you should be sure to make early and often.
Gemini: The fact that your mom insists on putting a pudding cup in the lunch she packs for you every day makes this year of law school particularly embarrassing.
Cancer: A whole new group of friends awaits you this year. Unfortunately, they really kind of suck compared to your old friends, who now want nothing to do with you.
Leo: This year, you'll be mortified when you start your first menstruation in the middle of gym class. It'll doubly suck when the gym teacher points out to you that boys don't menstruate.
Virgo: You shouldn't worry so much that it's taking you more than four years to complete your bachelor degree. What you should worry about is that fact that you're in year five and haven't declared a major.
Libra: "Why Halle Barry is Hot" is not a suitable topic for your doctoral thesis in African American Studies.
Scorpio: You need to take a long, hard look at your reasons for wanting to go out for cheerleading this year. Sure, there's the camaraderie of long hours practicing with the squad. And, yeah, it's a great way to get guys to want to go out with you. You may be stretching it a bit, though, to seriously think that you're going to win a cheering scholarship to Harvard.
Sagittarius: You really ought to consider joining a fraternity. Stupid fucking morons fit right in there.
Capricorn: You're right! Your spectacular job doing the morning announcements is a great launching pad to a career as a highly-paid disc jockey.
Aquarius: The fact that you truly believe that you'll get more out of every class this semester if you go high does not bode well for your dean's list status.
Pisces: Don't worry. Mommy will dry those big tears in your eyes as she drops you off for your first day of school. You have to try and be brave, little trooper. Those kids aren't going to beat you up. Just put a smile on and go be the best principal you know how to be.