Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, August 02, 2006


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: Condoleezza Rice will never be your willing sex slave. Sorry, pal, you're just going to have to make do with your gap-toothed blow-up doll. If you're that desperate to nail someone who's been Secretary of State, I hear Warren Christopher swings.

Taurus: You may be tempted, in this heat, to fry an egg on the sidewalk. Really, you should stick to frying an egg white on the sidewalk; it's just got a lot less cholesterol.

Gemini: After Mel Gibson's actions over the weekend, you find yourself conflicted about a man who had been one of your favorite actors. How, oh how, will you ever be able to sit down as you used to and enjoy the majesty that is Bird on a Wire?

Cancer: Injecting stem cells into your boobs will not make them bigger.

Leo: Make sure you take a little extra time today to indulge yourself. I mean, you're already an egomaniac who doesn't give two shits about anybody else, but today, you should be even more self-centered. Buy yourself a handjob or something.

Virgo: You rather fancy yourself the Picasso of meeting notes margin doodling. Actually, you're really more like the guy who draws Funky Winkerbean.

Libra: You're feeling bold and experimental in the kitchen this week. You're considering mixing together two TV dinners in a big bowl. You're like a shorter, hairier male Julia Childs for the new millennium!

Scorpio: You've got some disappointment coming this week, Scorpio. And you're going to need to find a better way to deal with letdowns than pulling down your pants and pissing on people that upset you.

Sagittarius: You're a little tired today after a long night of dancing in the street in celebration of Fidel Castro's illness. Why, you haven't had that much fun since Kim Jong Il went in for root canal. Good times.

Capricorn: Now is the time to have that serious conversation with a loved one that you've been putting off. You might find it easier if you get really hammered first.

Aquarius: Sure, you can continue to blame the farts on your fiancee's dog; but I ask you: is that really the right way to start a lifetime together, built on a pack of lies?

Pisces: Great news, Pisces! That special someone is ready to pop the big question: "Oh, Jesus, was I actually drunk enough to have sex with you?"

Wait just a ding-dong minute here. I'm a Pisces and someone asked me that question two days ago. Are you sure you aren't a few days off???
Getting hammered - A Capricorn tradition since Man made yeast bend to his will.
Dr. Condoleezza Rice entered the room wearing only a red satin bra and panties. On her feet wasa pair of black stiletto sandles. I immediately drop to my knees and began to grovel at herfeet." I love you Condi " , I whimper. While kissing her toes. I caught her musty scent mixed with Aimez Moi perfume by Caron. I become aroused . I attempt to run my hand up the back of her calf. but Condi instructed me to go to the black leather couch. Condi sat down and I laid face down across her lap andshe began to spank me. At first the slaps were light but after a few moments they came harder and more rhythmic . Her fingers left red welts in my pasty white ass. After a few minutes my ass checks became sore and I began to anticipate the slap before it came. The pain was becoming unbearable and Condi was showing no signs of letting up, she was clearly enjoying inflicting this pain on me. In her slapping frenzy her long red finger nails removed bits of skin from the inside of my ass cheeks making the pain exquisite. About three minutes later the slaps began to waver, clearly Condi's right arm was getting tired. It was good for me as the pain was becoming almost unbearable . Now my ass cheeks felt red hot and although I felt like crying out, I did not. I could not let Condi see my pain . If she sensed I was in agony this would provoke her to hit me harder and I couldn't take much more . Shortly after that the spanking stopped altogether, she was exhausted . I looked over my shoulder to see her beautiful black skin covered with sweat and could hear her heavy breathing. I became aroused even further. I sat up and we embraced. I kissed her forehead and could taste the saltiness of her skin. I repeated again " I love you so much Condi ". We then traded positions , now it was my turn to spank her. "Condi lowered her panties and lay across my lap."Condi " I said, "you have been a very bad girl and now I'm going to give that sweetass a properspanking." I feel Condi's wetness on my legs. Now she is aroused
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