Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, August 09, 2006


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: You're terribly sad today, Aries, that your favorite senatorial candidate ran out of Joe-mentum. In fact, he seems to have developed a bit of Joe-nertia.

Taurus: Your normal daily routine is disrupted today, Taurus, either by a wonderful surprise visit from an old friend or a sudden need to go home and get some clean pants. The stars aren't real clear on which one.

Gemini: Don't freshly-baked oatmeal cookies, soft and warm from the oven, sound good? Well, you'll be able to enjoy as many of them as you want as soon as you emerge from the coma you're going to lapse into after an accident this afternoon. Mmm. Cookies.

Cancer: Yes, it's your intention to reassure your blind date about her physical appearance and, yes, you're doing it very well, but no woman likes to have someone she just met sing "Baby Got Back" to her in a crowded restaurant.

Leo: Maybe there's a better way to live your life than trying to emulate Judd Nelson in Breakfast Club. Perhaps you might consider his work in From the Hip instead.

Virgo: It's wonderful how much you enjoy Diet Sierra Mist. Most people, though, would say that bathing in it takes things just a couple steps too far.

Libra: You need to work on overcoming your fears, Libra. Your fear of brushing your teeth might be a good place to start.

Scorpio: A sudden urge to make changes in your life results in your moving a chair from one side of the living room to the other. Way to go, Scorpio.

Sagittarius: It's a gorgeous day outside, Sagittarius. So maybe you might consider stepping away from your computer and skipping the Jeri Ryan-themed Wankathon you'd had penciled in for today.

Capricorn: This week, you'll be convinced by a television commercial to buy the latest George Pelecano novel. You're an idiot, by the way.

Aquarius: Did you put on deodorant this morning? Are you sure? Seriously, do you actually remember the moment you picked it up, applied it and put the cap back on?

Pisces: You should, indeed, let sleeping dogs lie. Just be aware that sleeping dogs sometimes let out with some really nasty farts.