Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Aries: You're pretty stoked about Gerald Ford's second hospitalization of the summer, as you've had him on your dead pool list for three years running. Good for you, Aries!
Taurus: The secret ingredient of your mother's Home-made Mushroom Soup that she's guarded all your life and has vowed she will reveal to you only on her deathbed? Salt.
Gemini: Today, you feel energized, on the top of your game, ready to take on the world. Ah, meth.
Cancer: However stressful your day is, there's going to be a nice surprise waiting for you when you get home. Unless you were expecting your fifteen-year-old daughter to be pregnant, in which case it won't be all that surprising.
Leo: A heretofore undiagnosed kiwi allergy calls a rather abrupt halt to your date this evening and leaves you stuck with the bill for removing a half-gallon of vomit from your dinner companion's clothes.
Virgo: You're going to have to go ahead and spend the fifty or so dollars and buy an actual puppy, because your kids are too old to be fooled by a sock puppet.
Libra: Pop the champagne corks! Ring the bells! Wake the neighbors! Tonight is a night for you to celebrate! Of course, when you're a raging drunk, it's like you're celebrating every night.
Scorpio: You're going to have to wait a bit for your horoscope, Scorpio. Depending on whether a bunch of new planets are officially added to our solar system, which would change your astrological configuration, you are either about to come into a lot of money or the test results will show that it's herpes, just like you thought.
Sagittarius: You're a little weirded out by your new love interest's sexual habits. Give it a try and just make an attempt to roll with things and enjoy it. You never know, dressing up like Batman and Robin might turn out to be the sexiest thing you've ever done.
Capricorn: Don't forget to take your list with you to the grocery store today. Remember, the last time you went without one, you ended up coming home with nothing but five cases of Top Ramen and a tube of Dentucreme.
Aquarius: If your life was a circus, today would be the day when the clown car drives off a cliff.
Pisces: Remember that time you and your frat buddies got really hammered and had a circle jerk? Well, your blackmailer does. And he's got pictures.