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Tuesday, August 15, 2006


Land of the Dumb

Not that it necessarily needed to be quantified, but there's a new poll out from Zogby which proves that Americans are fucking stupid.

The poll revealed that, among other really embarrassing findings, about twice as many people can name the all three Stooges as can name all three branches of government. So, it's official: our country is stupid. We need to just accept it and change our name to The United States of Stupistan.

We can redo our flag. Instead of stars and stripes and such, we should just have a picture of a guy picking his nose and eating it. Likewise, we'll need to ditch "The Star-Spangled Banner" and go with a national anthem that better reflects our moronitude. Maybe a Britney Spears song. Or the theme from The Dukes of Hazzard.

God knows, we've already got a leader who reflects our Pride in Ignorance. And I say he's doing a heck of a job of shouting to the world just exactly how brain-dead the American people are. Why, just look at how he did his best to undermine the day-old Mid-East cease-fire by holding a press conference in which he pissed all over Hezbollah.

So let's all just follow G.W.B.'s lead and embrace our inner drooling idiot. Let's shut down the independent film industry and concentrate only on Michael Bay films. Let's halt publication of literary fiction and print nothing but quick weight-loss guides, insta-biographies and Ann Coulter books. Let's bulldoze five-star restaurants and use the space for bigger McDonald's parking lots so we can have plenty of space to park the Hummers we drive from our house two hundred yards away.

It's a global village, folks. And we're apparently the village idiot.

Can I keep my Ernest Goes To Jail DVD, please?
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