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Monday, August 07, 2006


Music to Not Have Sex By

Disturbing news on the wires this morning: apparently, a new study has found that teens who listen to music with "sexually degrading" lyrics tend to have sex at an earlier age. The study says that, among teenagers who regularly listen to songs in which women are treated as objects, "...51% start having sex within two years."

This is shedding some light on my own teenage years. When I was eleven and twelve years old, I listened to fucking Christopher Cross and Air Supply. This is why I didn't lose my virginity until I was almost out of high school. It makes utter and complete sense; I mean, you try getting an erection while listening to "All Out of Love". It can't be done!

And the pop music of my high school years was no better. "Tarzan Boy" isn't going to get anybody in the mood, at least not straight people. "Rock Me Amadeus"? "99 Luftbaloons"? "Walking On Sunshine"? Unsexy. Unsexy. Unsexy.

Yeah, I guess Janet Jackson had some songs about being nasty, but rural white boys like me didn't know that that was a good way to get girls to lower their inhibitions, we just knew that we couldn't dance very well, so we sat by the bleachers drinking punch while girls danced with each other.

None of the music that I actually owned and liked was the least bit sexy. I was a giant Aerosmith fan in high school. Do you think that sent the women flocking my way? "Ooo! He's listening to 'Permanent Vacation' and he's got a mullet. That's so fucking hot!" Then, the summer after I graduated, I found They Might Be Giants and listened to them all the way through college. You're not going to get a whole hell of a lot of play when you walk around campus singing "Purple Toupee". You're just not.

In a way, I guess it's kind of comforting. The problem isn't that I was a pathetic loser who was too shy to even attempt to put moves on any girl I liked. The problem was my playlist.

So I say to the kids of today: You go for it, kids. Listen to that music, fuck like bunnies and to hell with the consequences. You know something? Hips don't lie. Neither, in fact, do elbows.

somebody's reading your mind. damned if you know who it is.
I don't know, I think I would have been more turned on if a guy had me listening to romantic music. He certainly would have had more of a chance with Air Supply than some song that was degrading women.

But that is just me.
I would have been happy if I even had a chance to show girls "my playlist" while I was in high school. Music wasn't my issue. I still love 80's music, (especially songs from 1982-1986) and even liked it in the 90's before it became cool again. Tarzan Boy by Baltimora is one of the best.
My hips lie all the time. They promise to stay the same size, but are they? No.
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