Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Thursday, August 03, 2006


Not Just Bad, But Bad For You

Sereena over at Metaphor Voodoo is talking today about the problems with the government's reimagined Food Pyramid. She thinks it's fucked. So she's having people log on and suggest foods of their own for a new, better food pyramid that's not so beholden to The Man.

I like this idea and my contribution was Totino's Pizza Rolls. I put those on because I've seen ads for "improved" Totino's Pizza Rolls and they reminded me how utterly disgusting these things are.

When I was a kid, I loved those La Choy Egg Rolls. They've got as much do to with a real egg roll as watermelon-flavored gum has to do with actual watermelon, but I liked 'em anyway. I scarfed them up like nobody's business, which may help to explain why I spent my junior high years as a huge fat-ass.

, I saw these pizza rolls in the grocery store, figured they'd be just like my beloved egg rolls (only better, 'cause they were pizza-ish) and begged my mom to get them. Which is how I experienced heartburn for the very first time.

These things are disgusting. They're molten fake cheese, ketchup and artificial pepperoni flavoring all wrapped up in a greasy little shell. It's like if you put a slice of bad pizza in your shoe and then wore the shoe around all day until the pizza slice was all scrunched up in the toe. Then you take it out and slap it on a plate.

Why then, you may ask (but probably won't), did I put it in this glorious new food pyramid? Basically to get a warning out to the masses: Don't eat these fucking things.