Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Aries: You're very relieved that George W. Bush has finally acknowledged that the CIA has prison facilities, as it means you'll finally be allowed to put a return address on the letters you write to your family in between sessions of torture-like behavior which isn't actually "torture", because the U.S. doesn't do that.
Taurus: It may be time to do your laundry, as you're now down to nothing but a teddy bear novelty thong and a pair of moon boots.
Gemini: Finally, you've got a valid reason for not wanting to stay at Bed & Breakfasts besides your utter disdain for making small-talk when the owner sits down and watches you eat the stewed figs he's just served you.
Cancer: Your suicidal ideations should go away entirely now that Katie Couric is coming into your home every night to give you a sense of perspective.
Leo: The clouds in the sky mirror the darkness that hangs over your soul. You weep; weep tears which flow from your eyes like water through the broken dam of your heart. Your mind has turned the darkest shade of obsidian. This is what happens when you're out of mustard. You need some help, you teary-eyed putz.
Virgo: Peanut brittle, si. Anchovy brittle, no.
Libra: This is not the time to move ahead on large purchases. Of course, in your case, a pack of gum constitutes a large purchase, so this is especially harsh.
Scorpio: Hey, wouldn't it be awesome to spend today at the mall?
Sagittarius: If the Senate were to vote "No Confidence" in Donald Rumsfeld, it might have some political impact. If your bowling team does it, most people probably won't give a shit.
Capricorn: Now that you've finally seen Suri Cruise, your life has meaning again.
Aquarius: Nobody wants to see the "tribute to Chaka Khan" you have tattooed on your ass.
Pisces: Remember, it's better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. This is a good thing to tell the police officer who arrests you for setting fire to a grocery store.