Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, September 13, 2006


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: You're absolutely elated over news that Whitney Houston is divorcing Bobby Brown. At last! At last you have a shot at romancing her and making her your own! Good luck with that.

Taurus: As the leaves turn from green to fiery orange and the chill of Autumn seeps into the air, you suddenly remember that you never got the elephant semen off of your fall jacket, so it looks like you're going to need to do some shopping.

Gemini: That secret you've been desperately trying to keep from your parents will not stay hidden much longer. You might be surprised at how easily they accept and support you once they learn the truth. After all, they were young once and may have occasionally had athlete's foot themselves.

Cancer: You will never successfully get your date to eat a roofie by wrapping it in a piece of cheese. You are just about the worst date-rapist ever.

Leo: Need to cut a piece of paper? Try scissors!

Virgo: Special to Newborn Virgos: Babies born during this September will be intelligent, beautiful and have an amazing aptitude for the accordion, which may come in handier than their parents might think. (Congratulations Carrie & Corey!)

Libra: Don't be lulled into a false sense of security. Elevator doors will not always reopen automatically when you stick your hand in between the closing doors. You keep doing that, you're just begging for a world of hurt, mister.

Scorpio: Yelling "I am a minion of the Dark Lord Beelzebub and he will rain fire and damnation down upon all of my enemies, smiting them without warning!" will not get your mom to let you stay up past your bedtime. Kindergartners need their sleep.

Sagittarius: Just to set the record straight: there is no "oatmeal fairy" who takes a baseball bat to your kneecaps if you don't eat all of your breakfast. Your parents lied to you and you've lived in fear for the last thirty-five years. You're pretty gullible, truth be told.

Your Naked Lacrosse league is just not signing up members as quickly as you'd hoped it would.

Aquarius: You're so incredibly excited about the new Anne Heche show on ABC that you forget to eat for a week and wind up in the hospital. Most Anne Heche fans do stupid shit like that a lot. It's really not the brightest demographic going.

Pisces: Contrary to your deeply held opinion, not all conflict in the world can be solved through pot and hacky-sack. Now take a bath and keep your ideas to yourself, please.