Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, September 27, 2006


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: You're horrified to discover that what you thought was a simple one-night stand has turned into a nightmare in which the entire nation can see Screech from Saved by the Bell giving you a dirty Sanchez. Solid judgment, there, Aries.

Taurus: Your date is not going to believe that your face is on the ten dollar bill. You'll need to come up with an alternate plan for impressing them.

Gemini: A barista mistakenly giving you a grande instead of a venti does not deserve to be called "Hitler".

Cancer: Your quick temper is doing you no favors, Cancer. In fact, everybody at work has given you a nickname: "That asshole who's pissed all the time." As nicknames go, it's no "Smitty".

Leo: The time has come to make a bold stand for what you believe in, Leo. So don't let that guy at the deli push you around anymore. When you say "sliced thin", he goddamn better well slice it so thin you can see through it.

Virgo: This week, you finally take a chance by giving your heart to someone. Who plays hacky-sack with it for awhile before rubbing it on the floor of a bathroom stall and handing it right back.

Libra: With so many exciting new programs on all the major networks, your cup runneth over, Libra! Your stupid, moronic, utterly-lacking-in-sophistication cup. Enjoy those new episodes of Two and a Half Men.

Scorpio: It looks like it's going to be a June wedding, Scorpio! Not for you, of course, but for someone who's not as loserish as yourself.

Sagittarius: Your adventurous side lands you in the hospital again. You really need to work on getting rid of that frigging thing.

Capricorn: People are impressed with your bumper stickers. Truly. You're widely admired by all who witness. Well done.

Aquarius: It's possible, Aquarius, for someone to like sauerkraut too much. Just something for you to ponder.

Pisces: Even if you can't afford to join an online dating service, writing your name and number on Men's Room stalls is really not a good alternative.

I'm not a Pisces, but I get a lot of dates that way.
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