Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Hairshirt Halloween Horror-scope
Aries: Dressing up as "that guy on Third Avenue that time who kept saying, 'Outta sight!' and then puked" may be too obscure a reference for your fellow partygoers.
Taurus: You're very much looking forward to your yearly appearance on the local morning talk show to provide a realistic portrait of Wicca in order to counteract the lingering image of the scary, wart-covered crone. Being whiny and sanctimonious always makes your Samhain so much more special.
Gemini: It's great that you're comfortable enough with your body to dress in a "sexy" Halloween costume, but you should probably come up with a better idea than "slutty flobotomist".
Cancer: Do not put your used jack-o-lantern on the railroad tracks. No matter how incredibly fucking cool it is to see a train smash the goddamn thing to tiny bits, you just really shouldn't. Even though it's awesome.
Leo: You need to re-think the games you've come up with for your kid's Halloween party. Bobbing for Coffee might not be the smash hit you think it will.
Virgo: Finally, after a long, long year of waiting, you get to see what Regis & Kelly dress up as on their special Halloween show. You kind of creep me out, by the way.
Libra: This Halloween will be like most Halloweens you've experienced: you won't get laid. On the plus side, you discover the joy of raspberry popcorn balls.
Scorpio: Not even the festive nature of Halloween can provide comfort now that we're living in a world without Project Runway.
Sagittarius: Despite your best efforts, the nursing home residents for whom you buy costumes, decorate cupcakes, mix up a non-alcoholic punch and hire a peppy jazz combo will still wake up November first and be depressed that they're living in a nursing home. Don't worry. Maybe your Thanksgiving-themed arts & crafts will liven things up.
Capricorn: Trick-or-treating children do not want to see your penis.
Aquarius: Somehow, your six-year-old just can't wrap his head around your argument that Halloween gives aid and comfort to the devil and therefore must be shunned. In fact, despite your promise that your church's Fall Festival Night will be just as fun, he's going to resent you for quite some time.
Pisces: There are only so many times you can pull out your giant roll-on prop and yell, "Head On! Apply directly to the forehead!" before your fellow party guests get fed up and stomp your ass into the ground.