Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Aries: You do not make 15-year-old boys "horny", nor should you send them text messages asking them if you do. Seriously, it's creepy for a congressman to do it and it's even creepier for a guy who cleans the bathrooms at Arby's.
Taurus: Starting a citizens' watch patrol to help make your neighborhood safer is a wonderful thing to do. Dressing up as Batman while you patrol, is probably ill-advised.
Gemini: You have not spontaneously developed a third nipple. That's just a zit.
Cancer: Jerking off with wrist weights on is not an adequate exercise program.
Leo: A long-lost love is attempting to reconnect with you, Leo. Not one of the cool ones who you still think about, but that really insane one who burned down your parents' garage and carved your name in their arm with a razor. Congratulations!
Virgo: Budgetary concerns are foremost in your mind this week. It's time to ask yourself if $137 just might be too much to spend every week on Cheetos.
Libra: You weren't talking in tongues last night, Libra. You were just really, really drunk.
Scorpio: You should not try making a bong out of your dead cat. First off, it's a very poor way to pay tribute to a beloved pet and second, it'll make your pot taste terrible.
Sagittarius: Yes, it's great that Lost has its season premiere tonight. But that doesn't mean that you should start dressing up like Mr. Eko again. You just don't have the shoulders for it.
Capricorn: You need to wash your clothes. Digging something out of the hamper, putting it on for the fifth time and stuffing the pockets with dryer sheets is not a good idea.
Aquarius: The good news is that you've cut back so much on cigarettes that you're only smoking after sex. The bad news is that you haven't had a cigarette for eleven months.
Pisces: I realize that you're only very recently married, Pisces, but it's about time you learned that you shouldn't initiate sex with your spouse by pulling your pants down and screaming "It's whoopie time!"