Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Aries: You strongly suspect that your ex-girlfriend's sudden announcement that she might have given you Chlamydia may have been timed to have an impact on the upcoming election. Playing politics with STDs. Tsk, tsk.
Taurus: An old friend turns up unexpectedly. Which is disturbing, because you thought you'd integrated all of your personalities years ago.
Gemini: Tonight might be a good night to stay in and snuggle. Of course, the only thing you have to snuggle with is a bottle of pistachio schnapps, so...enjoy.
Cancer: It took your entire life savings of $14,000, but you managed to buy the outfit Uhura wore in the "Mirror, Mirror" episode. Congratulations. You've boldly gone where many geeks have gone before. Into bankruptcy.
Leo: You're super-stoked to watch NBC's new sitcom 30 Rock tonight. What the hell is wrong with you, anyway?
Virgo: Inexplicably, you find North Korea's test-detonation of a nuclear bomb incredibly sexy.
Libra: A friend might write a lame-ass story about you as some kind of fucked-up birthday present. You need new friends.
Scorpio: As you mourn the Yankees' first-round loss to Detroit, take comfort in the fact that all good people in the universe hate the fuckin' Yankees. Ya prick, ya.
Sagittarius: On a chilly autumn day like today, you feel like nothing more than torturing small rodents to death in your basement. You really don't react to the changing seasons like other folks, do you?
Capricorn: This week, you seriously consider getting zebra stripes tattooed all over your body. It must be said, there are mentally healthier ways to deal with getting dumped.
Aquarius: An intimate gathering of friends sounds like a great idea tonight. It would be so awesome if you had some friends with whom you could intimately gather.
Pisces: Why, oh why, you wonder, didn't Madonna adopt you?