HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, November 01, 2006Hairshirt Horoscope
Aries: You have all the brilliant comedic instincts of John Kerry.
Taurus: Last night's Halloween party must have been a big success, Taurus, since you woke up naked in a bathtub filled with goat hair and Poptarts and no earthly idea of how you got there. Congrats! Gemini: With seven days until the midterm election, the question raging through your inquisitive mind is: How exactly does one get rid of pubic lice? Cancer: Now is the time to start eating better, Cancer. Maybe you could start by limiting yourself to twelve Twinkies a day and not deep-frying them. Leo: If you clean up your living space, you might just find it will clean up your mind. And you'll probably also find a three-month old bologna sandwich that's started to putrefy. Bonus! Virgo: Like the mouse who pulled the thorn from a lion's paw, Virgo, you find yourself this week in a position to do someone much more powerful than you a huge favor. Of course, pulling a thorn from someone's paw is much easier than blowing them. Libra: This just might be the week that your love of peeing outdoors finally gets you in trouble, Libra. Just tell the arresting officer you were giving yourself a testicular self-exam. Unless you're a woman, in which case that one probably won't float. Scorpio: Now that North Korea has agreed to rejoin the six-party disarmament talks, you're going to have to abandon your plan to infiltrate the country and rip Kim Jong Il's heart out with your bare hand, Scorpio. Which is a shame, 'cause that one sounded like a slam dunk. Sagittarius: As the Fall weather really kicks in, you find yourself wanting nothing more than to kick back with a nice cold glass of cider. This horoscope sponsored by the National Cider Council. Capricorn: Maybe this is the time to reassess your fondness for eating your own earwax. Aquarius: Your reputation as the "uncool" house on the block has left you stuck with a hundred and eighty un-trick-or-treated popcorn balls. You might try using them to build a new deck out back. Pisces: It's time to take a good, long look in the mirror, Pisces. Unfortunately, there really isn't a mirror in your house big enough to fit all of you in it, so you're probably going to have to go to a funhouse or something.
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