HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, November 08, 2006Hairshirt Horoscope
Aries: Today, your dreams are one step closer to reality as Donald Rumsfeld is going to be looking for work and might--just might--be willing to consider your offer to co-star in your community theater's production of The Sunshine Boys.
Taurus: You'd really love to act all smug about what your vote helped do for the Democrats. Except that you got massively high, sat on the couch eating nachos and playing Vice City Stories and completely forgot to go to the polls. Way to prove democracy works, putz. Gemini: A relationship still in the early stages is threatened when your new lover discovers just how much drool you put out while you sleep. Seriously, you could wash your fucking car with that stuff. Cancer: As Shakespeare said, "Ayyy. Don't be in such a hurry to grow up, Shortcake." Wait, sorry, that was Fonzie. Not Shakespeare. Sorry. Leo: Your Halloween candy is almost gone. You're down to a box of Mike & Ike and four Circus Peanuts. Bon appetit! Virgo: For years, you've thought you had a pretty damn good system in place. Events this week cause you to rethink your strategy. Maybe changing your underwear once a week isn't the best idea ever. Libra: Soup? Scorpio: Someone has been admiring you from afar. And they've got a sniper-scope on their rifle, so you might want to not stand in one spot too much for the next week or so. Sagittarius: Female Sagittarians should be aware: Mr. Kevin Federline is back on the market! K to tha' Fed to tha' sleepin' on yer sofa! Word! Capricorn: When your dog comes in and attempts to give you a big lick on the face, you might be interested to know that he's just come from eating shit out of the cat box. Aquarius: Please, please, please don't buy your daughter this for Christmas. Pisces: Reading on the toilet is generally accepted in our society. Writing short stories on the toilet might be a little much.
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