HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, November 29, 2006Hairshirt Horoscope
Aries: Your world is no longer making sense to you. For the love of god, if Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock can't make a marriage work, what hope is there for the rest of us? Life is a joke, man.
Taurus: During this busy holiday season, make sure you take a moment now and then to remember how much you hate the holidays. So often, we forget to hate the little things. Gemini: You will not be struck blind today, when you accidentally see your next-door neighbor masturbating, but you'll wish you had been. Cancer: Whatever the Supreme Court decides about Global Warming, you're going to stick to your guns and continue to believe George Bush's assertions that it's "...just a bunch of faggotty whining." Leo: This week, you should pay heed to the ancient Chinese saying, "You can fuck a goat, but you can't teach it to make you a meatball sub." Those ancient Chinese were really fucking wise. Virgo: What you have mistaken for spiritual ennui is, in actuality, constipation. You really need to learn the difference between those. Libra: You are so super-excited to gather friends and family close as you celebrate the 25th Anniversary of Tom Cruise's break-through performance in Taps with a screening of the film, a discussion group and the world-premiere performance of your rock opera, Taps! Scorpio: Your sister's friend will not be nearly as turned-on as you'd hoped when you ask her to zip up with you in your sleeping bag and form a "love burrito". (Maybe if you'd called it a spring roll instead?) Sagittarius: You need to double-check your sources; the Charles Dickens quote does not go, "It was the best of times, go fuck yourself." Capricorn: Don't worry so much about finding just the right gift for your girlfriend this Christmas. What she's really hoping for is a good way to dump your ass so she can date your best friend. Aquarius: Your upcoming medical procedure goes well. Right up until the point where you're mistaken for a gender-reassignment patient. Hey, your family will get used to it. Pisces: Everything you've ever been told is a lie. For instance: Joanie doesn't really love Chachi. She never did.
Comments:
Things are so tense now
This place is filled with dread I wanna take a condo 'veloper And shoot him in the head!
Joanie...doesn't love Chachi?
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Joe, I've been catching up because I've been a busy blogger lately and I'm sorry I've neglected you but boy oh boy, reading the past few posts has completely reminded me why I love your blog.
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