HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, November 22, 2006Hairshirt Thanksgiving Horoscope
Aries: By mid-afternoon tomorrow, you will have had your complete and utter fill of both turkey and your Uncle Harold's hilarious Clay Aiken/Kelly Ripa re-enactments.
Taurus: For once, both Thanksgiving Day football games will be incredibly exciting, competitive games which most commentators will later agree were among the best games ever played. Which is too bad for you, as your six-year-old nephew is going to drag you to the 12:30 showing of Happy Feet. Gemini: Your emotions may be especially brittle tomorrow, Gemini, as the lady from the Butterball Turkey Helpline calls you a "total fucking retard" and hangs up on you. Twice. Cancer: It's going to be pretty damned obvious that you were high while cooking when you unveil your Special Recipe Corn Bread-n-HoHos stuffing. Leo: Your worst nightmare comes true this Friday, when your daughter breaks her leg...right before you were about to leave for the After Thanksgiving Sales. That little bitch. Virgo: You are surprised and outraged to learn that the performers on the NBC broadcast of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade are lipsynching their songs! You're pretty fucking stupid, aren't you? Libra: You get a warm and happy feeling in your heart from the first moment you start serving Thanksgiving dinner to the homeless people at your neighborhood shelter. This lasts right up until you see some old dude vomiting up mashed potatoes and Mogen Davis, which happens about three minutes in. Scorpio: You are so grateful for the privilege of being born in this wonderful nation. And you feel it all the more when enjoying the giant balloons in the Macy's Parade; beloved characters like The Energizer Bunny and the Talking M&Ms remind you how superior our society is to all others. Sagittarius: You're so enraged that your sister brought the same kind of pie as you that you're severely tempted to flick a booger on hers. Capricorn: You know what you're really thankful for this year? Herpes. Yeah, you're so fucking grateful for that. And you're just super-thankful for considerate one-night-stands who make sure they tell you they've got herpes. Aren't they just the best? Also, sarcasm. You're real, real happy about that. Aquarius: You spend about half the morning worrying about the proper wine to serve with your big meal. Don't you worry, Aquarius. Whichever box you choose, your guests will be happy. Pisces: God, you fucking hate pilgrims.
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