Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Monday, November 06, 2006
Smear the Conservative
Even with yesterday's post about my disinterest in writing about the mid-term elections, I found myself thinking today as I taught my classes about how truly awful I think Bush and his congressional peeps have been for education. (Say what you want about Ted Kennedy being right up there on the podium with Bush when this No Child Left Behind shit started, I place the blame for this horrid, horrid piece of legislation squarely on President Douchebag.)
It reminded me that, as dubious as I am about the Democrats ability to get anything done should they take power, I really don't want things to stay the same. So, toward that end, I'm going to take some action today. I'm offering myself as an "undisclosed source" for last-minute negative campaigning. I'm going to print some slanderous--if completely baseless--allegations against some Republicans who I'd like to see go down. Demmos in tight races who need something to smear these guys, just quote me. Here we go:
Is there truth to the rumor that Rick Santorum likes to dress up as a little girl and have a dominatrix spank him while ABBA songs play on the stereo? Maybe.
Why are people saying that Jim Talent took $5 million dollars in kickback money from Purina to look the other way while they made dog chow out of Kansas City's homeless? Could it be true?
Did Tom Keane, Jr. really get caught putting his penis in the holy water at the Vatican? Voters deserve to know!
Is Mike DeWine really hiding fifteen illegitimate children by a Thai prostitute? Where there's smoke, there's fire!
George Allen...Never mind. He's doing a pretty good job all on his own.
Conrad Burns has so far refused to deny accusations that he killed a man with his bare hands in prison in 1989. When is he going to address the issue?
John Kyl would have you believe he never engaged in cannibalism. Should you really take his word for it?
A coroner's report was found showing that the real Bob Corker died in a car crash in 1977. Who exactly is the man who claims to be Bob Corker now?
Okay Democrats. I've done the hard work, thinking of ways to smear these guys. Just take my lead and run with it. You can't lose.