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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Friday, November 24, 2006Velveeta Jukebox, Part I: Abracadabra Hello and welcome to Velveeta Jukebox! Velveeta Jukebox is a new semi-regular feature here on Hairshirt, wherein I'm going to be taking a look at some of the great Cheese Pop songs of all time. I've been mentioning frequently lately (for the two people who pay any attention to that sort of thing) my reignited passion for 80s music. There can be no truly logical justification for this. I mean, my god, so much of the music to come out of that decade just sucked enormous donkey balls. And yet, I hear an A-Ha song and I'm instantly happy, transported back to a time when I didn't have to worry about lesson plans or bills. (I also didn't have to worry about getting laid, 'cause I already knew it wasn't fucking happening, but that's another story.) Whatever the reason, the pop music of the 80s has a special place in my heart and, as part of my endlessly self-indulgent search for meaning in my life, I've decided to publicly sort through these tunes. The first song on our list, alphabetically, is "Abracadabra", by the Steve Miller Band. My god, it's savagely beautiful in its utter and complete cheesosity. It's basically a desperate early-80s attempt at continued pop-cultural relevance by a classic rock star. Gone are the down-home pleasures of "The Joker", "Take the Money and Run" or "Jet Airliner". Instead, we're treated to what I've got to assume are the coke-fueled rhymes of an idiot. Seriously, the rhymes are some of the worst ever immortalized on vinyl. "You keep me burning for your love/with the touch of a velvet glove." "I feel magic in your caress/I feel the magic when I touch your dress." "Burning flame, full of desire/kiss me, baby, let the fire get higher." And if that weren't enough, he repeatedly rhymes "Abracadabra" with "reach out and grab ya." This isn't even mentioning the synthesized choral voices or the extended guitar burps section. It's utter and complete garbage. And I love it. Oh, how I love it. I love it, really, for one reason only. I remember being about 11 and going to a family reunion at the Black Bull Rodeo park, which was just a campground with a swimming pool, really. But the swimming pool had a diving board that was eight feet off the water. To a kid, jumping off that dive was an extreme sport. At the very least, it was as extreme as a countrified, non-skate-rat Ohioan like myself ever got. This was, if I recall, one of the last reunions of my maternal grandmother's family that I attended. My cousin, my sister and I spent most of the day at that pool, where they also had a jukebox and some video games. I remember specifically hearing "Abracadabra" while playing a pathetically low-scoring game of Joust. It was a great day. Which is why the Steve Miller Band's lamest fucking single ever has a place in my heart. Next time on Velveeta Jukebox: A cheesy post-80s song that happens to be incredibly gay.
Comments:
Huh. Sounds like Steve lucked out and was played in the right place at the right time.
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What boggles my mind is that Sugar Ray fracking recorded a cover of that song in the 90s. I should have known then that it would somehow all end up at Access Hollywood. P.S. Steve Miller got expelled from St. Mark's for riding his motorcycle down the 50 yard line. Growing up, I thought all the boys at St. Mark's were totally hot.
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