Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Friday, December 08, 2006


Ancient Chinese Secret, Huh?

As my wife has a two-hour (average) commute to her job, while I ride the convenient and sweet-smelling subways, there are a number of household chores that fall to me. One of those is the laundry.

I've been washing my own clothes since roughly the age of eleven, which is right around when my mom decided she could no longer deal with what I did to my clothes. Most of that time, though, I was doing only my wash, and I never really cared all that much for the condition of my clothes when they came out of the dryer. I wanted them to be stain-free and to be relatively odor-free, but other than that, I wasn't too picky.

Adding my wife's laundry to my own over the last couple of years, though, I've noticed that I'm not always the best launderer, and it's started to bother me. I'm not talking about the occasional wool sweater I've shrunk down to doll-size. I'm not talking about the dozens of socks I've lost. I'm not even talking about the one or two occasions on which I've forgotten to add the soap.

My problem here boils down to one issue: my whites are not as white as I'd like.

Now, I don't want to give the wrong appearance here. I long ago learned to separate my colors. I pay attention to the tags enough that I usually have clothes in on the right cycle. I even started using (environmentally friendly) bleach. But I still have relatively dingy whites. And my white dress shirts have...pit stains. (Oh the shame.)

So tonight, while my wife is out with friends, I'm taking advantage of some time alone to make some bold experiments in whitening. I bought a special high-end stain treatment at Gracious Home and, even as I write this, my whites are soaking in a sink full of hot, hot water, where--hopefully--the yellow around my shirts' armpits is fading away into nothingness.

I ask, if you have a spare moment this evening, that you might consider taking a moment to send up a prayer to the laundry gods. Pray that my whites come out just a little brighter. Do this and I'll pay you back by praying for you the next time you're uncertain whether or not that sour cream you just ate was far enough past the expiration date to wreak havoc on your digestive tract. Thanks in advance.

I love the title of this post! My best friend quotes that commercial all the time.
Did it work? I'm always open to new methods for whitening the otherwise dingy whites or removing those embarassing stains.

Thje world awaits the results with baited breath... which is a different problem, altogether.
Dear Joe,
You are gay. You should probably inform your wife.
TG--One of my all-time favorites.

Suzanne--Didn't work. Maybe you've got to do it when the stains are brand new or maybe I just did it wrong, but the pit stains, alas, are still there.

Chris--You're going to put a picture like that up and tell me I'M gay? Pot calling kettle; pot calling kettle; come in kettle.
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